My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.