genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
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Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
oh u like geography? name every lake
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll