COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
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Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.