If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
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What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL