Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.