*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
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HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
#MeanwhileinCanada
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
584.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.