Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…