Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.