Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
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why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
for all #parents out there
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.