I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
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10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.