While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth