Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
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Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Maths meets science
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
When he asks for feet pics
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests