my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.