I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
WHO DID THIS?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.