Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
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My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.