I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
What flavor cupcake are these
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.