therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
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5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30