No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.