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To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Ron is short for Aaronald
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here