tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
You Might Also Like
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.