It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
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“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
called in thicc to work this morning
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”