When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
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After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Perfection.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.