I only look at Wordle for the articles
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Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
can’t bark with your mouth full
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*