What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
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What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT