Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
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Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
THIS HEADLINE
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.