surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
You got this…
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
it’s finally my moment to shine
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.