When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.