the Monday after daylight savings
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they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact