velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
You Might Also Like
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says theyβll drop the charges if I squeal
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. iβm happy to report itβs still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: Thatβs unsettling
Me: Actually, itβs the exact opposite
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I want to be rich enough where Iβm not offended by the price of beef jerky.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
fed my baby with a knife* today if youβre wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets donβt count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – βThis Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
Hereβs a meme
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Thatβs Saturday nights plans ruined
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I canβt hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!