I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Still my favourite meme.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!