You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
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It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase