Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things