“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
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Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”