Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Carpe DM
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I have obtained a hat
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
.. do you even science?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*