Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.