Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
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Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.