Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
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Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*