[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
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Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
crazy
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
This hospital has everything
When he asks for feet pics
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.