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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.