Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
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her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
December birthdays be like…
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.