“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
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DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful