Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
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ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?