Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
それは草
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.