I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes