VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
You Might Also Like
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
☺️
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.