What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Anyone want a chair?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect