All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
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It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong