There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
You Might Also Like
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?