me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
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Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Sorry. Not sorry
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Kids: Stay in school.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.