god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.